It's Not Your Fault

I have a friend who died recently. He died sober.

He was a kind and gentle man who had a deep understanding of what's important.

His gift to me was one short sentence. He didn't even say the words to me. He said them to students who were in tears over the excessive drinking of a parent , brother/sister, or boy/girlfriend. Each out-of-control drinker/user is affecting, at least, four other people.

My friend Mike said, "It's not your fault."

What a gift. What a healing gift he was giving. Spouses/Children/Siblings/Lovers of excessive drinkers/users enter adulthood too early. They have some common characteristics.

"We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

We become approval seekers and lose our identity in the process.

We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality , such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

We become addicted to excitement.

We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can "pity" and "rescue".

We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

Alcoholism is a family disease. We become para-alcoholics and take on the characteristics of the disease even though we do not pick up the drink.

Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors."

My friend, Mike, had eighteen years of sobriety.

The Family Disease

I am the Granddaughter of, the Daughter of, the Ex-wife of, and the Mother of, someone with a drinking problem.

Two of these loved ones have died (one in a car accident). I'm divorced from the father of our four children. One has been through treatment but is still in denial. Three have been arrested for drunk driving.

I was influenced by the use of alcohol since birth. My Grandpa, my Mother's Dad, owned a country bar. It had living quarters with it. Going to Grandma's meant going to the bar. My Dad went into the bar business when I was about eight. This second tavern in the family would be on the Main Street of our small town.

I have the same chemical imbalance, compulsive behaviors, mental and emotional problems as my family members. I did not cross the line into alcoholic drinking. My assessment came back "Alcohol Abuser". I am not addicted to alcohol. I am addicted to alcoholics. I have the family disease. I think I can help them, change them, love them, bully them, manipulate them, or pray them into sobriety.

I'm in a twelve-step program because I failed. I could not shed enough tears to change someone else.

I did find out there were some things I could change though. I could face my anxiety, anger, guilt, shyness, submissiveness, resentment, and self-pity. I could learn to deal with repetitive situations in new ways with the help of my Higher Power and the beautiful strangers in a basement room, sitting around a table. I listened to these people share about themselves and I learned about myself. I was no longer alone. I felt love, compassion, hope, joy, and understanding that I found in no other place.

I am grateful for the alcoholism in my life. It brought me to a better place. I did not get what I wanted. I got something better.