Innocence

I need to find my innocence in order to see yours.

I grew up with guilt and shame. Some of it came from my family. Some of it came from my church.

Even if I was trying my hardest to do it right, I could find a flaw. I would find it in me first. Then I would find it in you.

My perfectionism is in direct proportion to my feeling "imperfect" inside. And so, it became necessary to put on a front. I can do this with clothes, beauty products, even education. I can do it with attitude.

I'll want you to think I'm someone better than I am, smarter than I am, more industrious than I am.

Looking back, it puts a barrier between you and me. I can't get close to you for fear you'll see right through me. I'd have to drop the pretense.

My joy today is that I can reveal my shortcomings. I can rejoice in my human-ness. I can love and forgive myself. I can love and forgive you.

We are all innocent.

Anger and Guilt

"All anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone feel guilty..."

The above is a quote from a book I love, A Course in Miracles. When I read it, I thought, "How the hell can that be? Surely I have the right to be angry about some things. How about war, or poverty, or domestic abuse?

I began to see that I am always trying to find someone to blame. I am looking for the person at fault. I'm looking for the opportunity to find someone who is more guilty than I am. If I feel guilty, I'm going to look for someone who is guiltier than me. Then I won't feel so bad.

I've been told I need to look for my innocence. I need to forgive myself for the things I think I've done. I need to find some value in my existence. When I can do that, I see you as innocent. When I realize it's not my fault, my paralysis ends. I can reach out and make a difference.

For me, it's the difference between love and fear.