Domestic Violence

I don't know how to put a big problem in a few words. When we talk about domestic violence, the tendency is to think in terms of the extreme, death.

Domestic violence begins small and escalates. It may take years to reach the extreme. It is progressive. Learning the early warning signs is a must for every man, woman, and child.

Domestic violence doesn't just mean husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, or intimate partner relationships. It can mean any household arrangement where living quarters are shared. Daughter/Mother, Father/Stepdaughter, College roommates.

Many incidents that are outside the law are the beginning of domestic abuse:

Punched walls, financial control, lying, intimidation, isolation, fear, shame, criticism, broken bones, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy, possessiveness, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, ripping, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, ridicule, restraining, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats to harm animals, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed.

Lee Borden, Attorney, says:

"This is Not Just About Men Beating Up Women. Some of the most painful messages are from men who have been terrorized by their wives. It' s real: violent women sometimes keep their husbands in a state of permanent weakness and frightened vulnerability. In addition, gay relationships involve violence far more than most gay rights advocates wish to admit. And when these terrorized victims muster the courage to ask for help, the police, lawyers, and judges they ask for help often don't take their plight seriously.

That having been said, most perpetrators of dangerous domestic violence are men, and most victims of dangerous domestic violence are women. In the U.S., a woman is battered every 10 seconds. More than a third of the women treated for violent injuries in U.S. emergency rooms have been hurt by their husband or an intimate partner.Male victims of violence are more likely to be injured by a stranger than by someone they know. Female victims of violence, in contrast, are much more likely to be injured by an intimate partner than by a stranger.

Each day in the United States, about four women are killed by an intimate male partner.A woman is five times more likely to be assaulted in her own home than on the street.A great deal of violence in the home is neither constant nor random. It occurs in a defined cycle. If this is the pattern in your home, understanding the cycle can help clarify what makes you a victim, and when and how you can get help to break the cycle.

Escalation

The battering episode

The honeymoon"

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Having been involved with law enforcement for 23 years and a domestic violence agency for 5 years, I have witnessed the impact of this cruelty. Victims suffer in silence. Fear keeps the victim in line. Suffering is not required if you love someone. Things you need to know to end the cycle:

The perpetrator is not doing this to be mean. They may not even know why they do it. It's about power and control. Domestic Violence escalates. It doesn't get better. Without intervention, it gets worse.You are not alone. You are not the only one affected by this. It's not your fault.

As you seek information, cover your tracks. Delete any web references to helping web sites. Use a public computer if possible. Getting friends and family involved may backfire on you. Find the people in your city or town (or neighboring town) that have the information you need.They will understand.

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