Arenacross

My horizons were broadened last night. I was invited to an Arenacross Event at our local Resch Center.

What fun! In my seventy years, I had never seen anything like this in person. Even though I have a son who did some motorcycle racing, this was like flying through the air on a motorcycle. There was speed and noise and exhaust fumes hanging in the air. There were crashes. One cycle after the other formed an arc, as they flew through the air.

A heat for the seven to eleven year olds was heart warming. I loved the little girl on the pink cycle with a matching helmut.

Each day is an adventure. It is always nice to do something new.

Wholeness

I have spent a great deal of my life being the "other half" of somebody else. It probably comes from being a follower rather than a leader. It may come from a message given to the females of my generation.

"You are the weaker sex. You need an escort. Don't go anywhere alone."

It is actually a fear message. It tells females they are in danger. It keeps me dependent, afraid, and isolated. It keeps me powerless.

Now I certainly do not want to dominate anyone, or give them orders, or see them as less than me. But I do want to be able to step outside and enjoy life. I want to be able to go somewhere when I cannot find another person to go with me.

Perhaps it is my age, or my small town, or my trust in a Power Greater Than Myself and the genuine goodness of my fellow man. Whatever it is, it is truly a freedom to live without fear.

And I cannot help but notice that Wholeness and Holiness are spelled different but have much in common.

It's Not Your Fault

I have a friend who died recently. He died sober.

He was a kind and gentle man who had a deep understanding of what's important.

His gift to me was one short sentence. He didn't even say the words to me. He said them to students who were in tears over the excessive drinking of a parent , brother/sister, or boy/girlfriend. Each out-of-control drinker/user is affecting, at least, four other people.

My friend Mike said, "It's not your fault."

What a gift. What a healing gift he was giving. Spouses/Children/Siblings/Lovers of excessive drinkers/users enter adulthood too early. They have some common characteristics.

"We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

We become approval seekers and lose our identity in the process.

We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality , such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

We become addicted to excitement.

We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can "pity" and "rescue".

We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

Alcoholism is a family disease. We become para-alcoholics and take on the characteristics of the disease even though we do not pick up the drink.

Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors."

My friend, Mike, had eighteen years of sobriety.

Travian

Has anyone else found the Travian Game? It's played on line against real people. I found it yesterday and started a village. I had to get up once in the middle of the night to see if I had enough wood to build another wheat field to feed my villagers.

I'm a PC Playin' Grannie. I love Age of Empires, The Sims, Stronghold Crusader, Etc. I'm not so much in favor of the "shoot-em-up" stuff. I like the strategy games.

Anyway, Wikipedia tells me this is a German browser-based game. In 2006, it was ranked first with over 10,000 players. Today, it has been translated into thirty plus languages and has over three million players. It was the first game of its type to be played by mobile phone.

The graphics tell me I'm in a fantasy game. I'm not likely to run into the real world and punch a real person in the nose.

Hope to run into you on the playing field. Please let me know what you think.

The Hotel Robbery

Being a police dispatcher was the hardest job I've ever loved. There was generally balance. As many funny/humorous things happened as serious things. One of my favorites was the hotel robbery.

We are coming to the end of a Saturday night shift. It is now about 5 a.m. Sunday morning, and the shift ends at 6 a.m. for the officers, 6:30 a.m. for the dispatcher. That overlap helps with a smooth transition of pending calls. The Sergeant, a young officer, and I are the only people in the station. There are three more officers on the road.

Ours is a small town and our police department doesn't even look like a police department. In fact, it had originally been a medical clinic. There are wash basins still in place in the offices for the Detectives.

So when the phone rings, I pick it up on the first ring. An elderly male, in a shaking voice, says:

"Robbery (location given) Hotel."

Holding my hand over the phone receiver, I relay that information to the young officer. He leaves the station.

"Tell me what the robber looks like.", I say.

"He's a man from India, wearing a long Army coat, and a blue stocking cap."

"Does he have a weapon?"

"He hit me on the head with the phone receiver. He took it with him when he left. He stole money, rolled coins, and cigars from the display case. It took me a while to find another phone."

"Did you see a car?"

"No."

I key the mic, transmitting to all squads that we have a strong-arm robbery, (location given), and the suspect is a "Man from India, wearing a long Army coat, and a blue stocking cap. Vehicle unknown."

About this time, the Sergeant is standing at the Dispatch office window. He's pointing to the lobby. Walking into our small police department lobby was "A man from India, wearing a long Army coat, with a blue stocking cap."

"Whadda you want?", says the Sergeant to the man.

"Gotta match?", was the reply.

"Wait right here." says the Sergeant. (The Sergeant, who had removed his gun belt because the shift was ending now heads to his office to put it back on.)

In the meantime, I am discreetly broadcasting:

"All squads, I believe the suspect is in our station lobby."

And, sure enough, here comes the young officer walking into the door right behind the suspect. This officer had passed the suspect as he left the station. However, at that time he didn't have a description. He had traveled a short distance before the broadcast went out. He threw the squad into reverse and backed up to the station. He's saying:

"Put your hands on the counter where I can see them."

This man, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, stole money and cigars from the hotel. He had the cash and rolled coins in his pocket. He wanted to smoke one of the cigars he stole, but he didn't have a match.

We were one of the few places open at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning. And we didn't look like a police station.

New Family Member

I have a new Great-Grandpuppy. He arrived this week after much negotiation between father and daughter.

My son writes: "His name is Taz, as in Tazmanian Devil. He's nine months old. He's a Puggle - 1/2 Pug and 1/2 Beagle. He was supposed to be house trained, but he must have forgotten his training on the way home. He's had a couple of accidents in the house already. We picked him up on Friday and we've had a steady stream of visitors ever since. Other than the accidents he's been very good. He doesn't bark, doesn't chew the furniture and listens pretty well. You'll have to come and see him soon!"

So I haven't met the little guy yet, but think he's adorable. My granddaughter has a smile that measures from ear to ear. Did you ever notice how happiness spreads?

Welcome, Taz!

Yoga

I'm home this morning from my one hour "Silver Sneakers" Yoga Class. It's held at a local fitness center.

I'm a member of the fitness center at no cost to me because I have a very wise insurance company. They provide a free membership to the insured.

I think this insurance company is very smart. Certainly it must pay off for them in the long run to have me stay healthy.

My hat is off to my Humana Insurance Company. How long is it going to take for other insurance companies to get this smart?

The Oneida Tribe of Indians of Wisconsin

I had the distinct pleasure of working for the Oneida Tribal Police Department from 1995 to 2000. It was an eye opening experience. The Oneida are a Matriarchal Society. They honor their elders. (As an old lady, I couldn' t help but believe I was in the right place at the right time.)

These "People of the Standing Stone" have a reverence for Mother Earth that could be a lesson for all. Their elementary school is built in the shape of a turtle.

Using Native American architects, the Police Department is built into a hillside. The entire glassed front "Great Room" is a community gathering place.

From Wikipedia:

The Oneida Tribe of Indians of Wisconsin is a sovereign nation, enjoying the same tribal sovereignty as all recognized Indian tribes in the United States. Theirs is a limited sovereignty —the tribes are recognized as "domestic dependent nations" within the United States—but to the degree permitted by that sovereignty, they are an independent nation outside of state law. The tribe's sovereignty means the state of Wisconsin is limited in the extent to which it can intervene legally in tribal matters.

With a series of casinos near Green Bay, Wisconsin, the Oneida Tribe has, in a manner of only a few decades, gone from being a destitute people to enjoying a fair amount of social prosperity by investing a large portion of their profits back into their community, including a sponsorship of the Green Bay Packers.

The new wealth generated by the tribe's gaming and other enterprises has enabled the tribe to provide many benefits for the members on the tribal rolls. Oneidas have free dental, medical and optical insurance, and they receive $800 every October. As with all other tribes, the Oneidas define who qualifies to be on those rolls. The Oneidas' requirements are fairly liberal, based entirely on blood quantum: members are those with at least 1/4 Oneida blood. There is no additional requirement of matrilineality, as with the New York Oneidas and other tribes.

I love the sincerity of the people I met. Sheko:lih (A friendly greeting used upon arrival or departing.)

Domestic Violence

I don't know how to put a big problem in a few words. When we talk about domestic violence, the tendency is to think in terms of the extreme, death.

Domestic violence begins small and escalates. It may take years to reach the extreme. It is progressive. Learning the early warning signs is a must for every man, woman, and child.

Domestic violence doesn't just mean husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, or intimate partner relationships. It can mean any household arrangement where living quarters are shared. Daughter/Mother, Father/Stepdaughter, College roommates.

Many incidents that are outside the law are the beginning of domestic abuse:

Punched walls, financial control, lying, intimidation, isolation, fear, shame, criticism, broken bones, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy, possessiveness, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, ripping, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, ridicule, restraining, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats to harm animals, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed.

Lee Borden, Attorney, says:

"This is Not Just About Men Beating Up Women. Some of the most painful messages are from men who have been terrorized by their wives. It' s real: violent women sometimes keep their husbands in a state of permanent weakness and frightened vulnerability. In addition, gay relationships involve violence far more than most gay rights advocates wish to admit. And when these terrorized victims muster the courage to ask for help, the police, lawyers, and judges they ask for help often don't take their plight seriously.

That having been said, most perpetrators of dangerous domestic violence are men, and most victims of dangerous domestic violence are women. In the U.S., a woman is battered every 10 seconds. More than a third of the women treated for violent injuries in U.S. emergency rooms have been hurt by their husband or an intimate partner.Male victims of violence are more likely to be injured by a stranger than by someone they know. Female victims of violence, in contrast, are much more likely to be injured by an intimate partner than by a stranger.

Each day in the United States, about four women are killed by an intimate male partner.A woman is five times more likely to be assaulted in her own home than on the street.A great deal of violence in the home is neither constant nor random. It occurs in a defined cycle. If this is the pattern in your home, understanding the cycle can help clarify what makes you a victim, and when and how you can get help to break the cycle.

Escalation

The battering episode

The honeymoon"

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Having been involved with law enforcement for 23 years and a domestic violence agency for 5 years, I have witnessed the impact of this cruelty. Victims suffer in silence. Fear keeps the victim in line. Suffering is not required if you love someone. Things you need to know to end the cycle:

The perpetrator is not doing this to be mean. They may not even know why they do it. It's about power and control. Domestic Violence escalates. It doesn't get better. Without intervention, it gets worse.You are not alone. You are not the only one affected by this. It's not your fault.

As you seek information, cover your tracks. Delete any web references to helping web sites. Use a public computer if possible. Getting friends and family involved may backfire on you. Find the people in your city or town (or neighboring town) that have the information you need.They will understand.

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St. Patrick's Day

I'm not Irish. As a matter of fact, I'm one hundred percent German. But I married Irish. That was a mistake. (Sorry, just kidding.)

I soon discovered that the biggest holiday of the year is St. Patrick's Day. I got a green corsage on St. Patrick's Day the first year we were married. My new hubby, under the influence, blarney'd the florist to open up after hours so he could buy the green corsage.

Full of the "spirit", he wanted to take me out dancing. He was so outrageous in his behavior, (I was the shy one), I refused to dance with him. Didn't bother him a bit. He danced with a chair. Everyone in the place knew we were there and "we" were Irish!

The world's largest St. Patrick' s Day parade takes place in New York City.

Innocence

I need to find my innocence in order to see yours.

I grew up with guilt and shame. Some of it came from my family. Some of it came from my church.

Even if I was trying my hardest to do it right, I could find a flaw. I would find it in me first. Then I would find it in you.

My perfectionism is in direct proportion to my feeling "imperfect" inside. And so, it became necessary to put on a front. I can do this with clothes, beauty products, even education. I can do it with attitude.

I'll want you to think I'm someone better than I am, smarter than I am, more industrious than I am.

Looking back, it puts a barrier between you and me. I can't get close to you for fear you'll see right through me. I'd have to drop the pretense.

My joy today is that I can reveal my shortcomings. I can rejoice in my human-ness. I can love and forgive myself. I can love and forgive you.

We are all innocent.

An Important Vote

We'll be voting in the Wisconsin Primary today. We become part of the process. I personally believe I have no right to complain about our government unless I vote.

This country offers many gifts. Accepting these gifts means taking responsibility. I find it necessary to stand on my own two feet and contribute to the welfare of all. I can look at life today and see abundance or scarcity. I can believe we are regressing or progressing. Did you ever notice how different people look at the same thing but see it differently?

Today, I celebrate the gift of my birth into this place and time. I have love, loyalty, and gratitude for this country. I'm proud of us. Sometimes too many people get their finger in the pie and it doesn't turn out the way we want it to.

Reminds me of a favorite saying: "A camel is a horse designed by a committee."

Please vote when you have the opportunity. You may not realize how important you are

The Prophet

I went to the local library a while back (about 40 years ago) and looked for this book in the card catalog. There was a notation on the card that I had never seen before. It read, "In locked case".

I went to the librarian, asked about the book, and she immediately turned to a case behind her and checked out the book to me. Mentioning that I had never seen this kind of notation on a book before, I asked why it was in a locked case.

"This is one of the books that people steal.", was her reply.

My favorite part in here is where it says something like "As deeply as sorrow has grooved your soul, that's how much room you have for joy."

Awesome book for the deep reader.

The Butterfly

This is a story I've heard many times. (Author Unknown)

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it had and it could go no further.

Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

Income Taxes

Are you thinking tax time yet?

I e-filed my tax returns over the week-end and it was a piece of cake.

Granted, we' re not talking about a huge income here, but I did discover I could get a bigger refund by itemizing my deductions. It was the tooth implant that did it!

I now have so many replacement parts that I'm practically new. I've had cataract surgery, a bladder uplift, a face lift, and now my first tooth implant. My tonsils and adenoids are gone. So is my gall bladder and appendix. They've seized a "fatty tumor" from my neck and biopsy-ed my breasts so many times, I'm down a full cup size. Today I'm running around with a heart monitor just to make sure every thing is ticking.

I consider myself lucky. My mother had false teeth in her thirties. I do not have a family background of healthy eating habits, exercise, and good physical care. Today's preventive health care is far superior to what was going on in the 1930' s.

So how did I start on taxes and end on health care? I think it' s the high cost of living.

Cascade Mountain

Cascade Mountain isn't a big mountain. It more like a very big hill. Cleverly hidden in Portage, Wisconsin, it's a way to turn winter cold and snow into winter fun and sport.

Grab your skis, tubes, and snowboards and head to the Midwest Open. Wisconsin is having a great snow year!

From the Cascade Mountain website:

Eleven inches of snow last week, and another inch this past Tuesday. The snowfall for this season is now an unbelievable 83"! It seems that it just won' t let up, and that is just fine with us. Another 4"-8" might fall on Thursday. These snowfalls don' t usually happen this often in the midwest, let alone South Central Wisconsin, don' t let the best winter ever slip away... Make your plans now to visit Cascade, either this week, or this weekend. We have some special holiday hours for this weekend. Friday, February 15th through Monday, February 18th, hours will be 9am to 10pm all four days for both the Snow Tube Park and for the Ski Area. All of our 35 trails and 5 parks are open and waiting for you. We' ve done a lot of new and great things this year and look forward to showing you. Have a great day! Spend it at Cascade.


Grab the kids and load them in the van. This is fun for all.

Old Ladies

So what do old ladies do all day?

Well, I don't know about anybody else, but here's a sample of my day:

Got up early. Said my prayers, reading from A Course in Miracles.

Signed on the computer and checked my four web pages. Did a couple entries on MyItThings and then carried them forward or routed them to the other pages.

E-filed my State tax return.

Had an appointment at the local hospital at 7:45 am for an EKG and a heart monitor. (I had two crashes last week. One was the computer. The other was me.)

Left the hospital, stopped at McDonalds for hash browns and orange juice, and headed for my Silver Sneakers Yoga Class.

Namaste.

Home for some house cleaning and computing. (I play the games too.) My strategy is "Clean a room, play a game, clean a room, play a game." I used to play "Age of Empires" on line against the 12-year-old boys. (They didn't know I was a "girl".) I had to quit because I was getting too good and my experience points were matching me with the better players.

Met with friends for an hour at noon. The discussion centered on Love and Fear.

Lunch at Culver's.

The Salvation Army thrift store was my next stop. I volunteer there for an hour a day (four days a week). As I was dusting shelves, the newly installed heart monitor fell from my belt and stopped working. I had five electrodes pasted to my chest and belly but the readout was zip. If I wasn't walking around, I would have thought I died.

Home again. Note on the door that the UPS guy had been there with my new computer. He's coming back today. Write note to self to remember to stay home between 2 and 4.

Call the hospital - "Come back tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m."

By then I needed a pick-me-up. Went to my local shopping mall for a haircut, shampoo, and style.

Home to two recorded phone messages. Supper. Number Four Son phoned to see how the hospital stop went. I love those guys!

A little more computer, a little TV, and time for bed.

How was your day?

One of the Guys

"I wanna report a murder.", a male caller almost whispers the words into the phone.

I'm hearing the words as a rookie Dispatcher at our small-town police department. This is my second week on my own. I'm the only person in the station. I'm the only female working. The four shift officers and one sergeant are on the road. It's a slow night shift in February.

A million thoughts go through my head in a millisecond. 'Oh My God!, What should I do? This isn't covered in the manual. Help! Where is everybody? Stay calm. Stay calm. Okay, God, what should I do now?'

"Go ahead.", I calmly say.

There is a stunned silence on the other end of the line. I can hear the caller breathing. Suddenly, he loses it and starts laughing. It's the sergeant from the shift, surrounded by the four officers. I have just passed the rookie initiation.

I am now "One of the Guys!"

The Family Disease

I am the Granddaughter of, the Daughter of, the Ex-wife of, and the Mother of, someone with a drinking problem.

Two of these loved ones have died (one in a car accident). I'm divorced from the father of our four children. One has been through treatment but is still in denial. Three have been arrested for drunk driving.

I was influenced by the use of alcohol since birth. My Grandpa, my Mother's Dad, owned a country bar. It had living quarters with it. Going to Grandma's meant going to the bar. My Dad went into the bar business when I was about eight. This second tavern in the family would be on the Main Street of our small town.

I have the same chemical imbalance, compulsive behaviors, mental and emotional problems as my family members. I did not cross the line into alcoholic drinking. My assessment came back "Alcohol Abuser". I am not addicted to alcohol. I am addicted to alcoholics. I have the family disease. I think I can help them, change them, love them, bully them, manipulate them, or pray them into sobriety.

I'm in a twelve-step program because I failed. I could not shed enough tears to change someone else.

I did find out there were some things I could change though. I could face my anxiety, anger, guilt, shyness, submissiveness, resentment, and self-pity. I could learn to deal with repetitive situations in new ways with the help of my Higher Power and the beautiful strangers in a basement room, sitting around a table. I listened to these people share about themselves and I learned about myself. I was no longer alone. I felt love, compassion, hope, joy, and understanding that I found in no other place.

I am grateful for the alcoholism in my life. It brought me to a better place. I did not get what I wanted. I got something better.

Winter Wind Chill

Winter is about three months too long for me.

I love the first snow fall. I love the Spring melt. It's the part in between that doesn't turn me on.

Dressing in layers to keep warm, driving on ice, and daytime darkness tend to cut into my attitude of gratitude. Makes me want to isolate. That's not a good thing for an old lady.

Today my friendly weather forecaster is telling me I can look forward to a wind chill of 45 degrees below zero. He's probably trying to scare me into staying home.

Can't do that. I have places to go and people to see. I hope you do too.

Photo is from Cascade Mountain, Portage, Wisconsin.

Family Meetings

We spent many years as a 'broken family'. That's what divorce does. It takes the way it's 'supposed to be' and turns it into something else.

Surviving under those circumstances takes creativity. Being a low-income head of household, sometimes working outside the home forty-plus hours per week, it was important to me that there be designated 'family time'.And so it was that, once a week, we had family meetings. We opened the meeting with The Serenity Prayer. "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

We had a chairperson and a secretary to take the minutes of the meeting. Attendance was required.

The format included:

Opening Prayer

Secretary Reads Minutes of Last Meeting

Treasurer's Report

Old Business

New Business

"Is there anything you Need?"

"Is there anything you Want?"

Close with Lord's Prayer

I loved those family meetings. I love them now. The old notebooks that I've saved for thirty-five years always bring a smile to my face when I haul them out. Some day I'll share the innards with you.

Each child had a voice. Each child was heard.

Broken doesn't always mean less than. Broken can also mean more than.

My Dad

I flew on a magic carpet on Saturday mornings, sitting in front of the radio. "Let's Pretend" was the most popular children's show and I knew all the words to the commercial. "Cream of Wheat is so good to eat and we have it every day. It's good for you and it's...." (well, you get the idea.) A narrator took us (all the children of the world) to pretend places with pretend people and everything was good in that world.

On Saturday nights, I listened to "Gangbusters" and "The Shadow Knows". I scared myself before going to bed. I still remember the squeeeeeking door.

Sunday mornings, Dad would tell me about the parade. John Phillip Sousa music would be playing, and he would have the volume turned low.

"Listen", he'd say, "can you hear the parade coming?"

I put my little ear close to the radio console that stood in our living room. He was secretly controling the volume. Sure enough, the sound was faint, and I could hear the band coming from far away. He'd talk about it getting closer and increase the volume. I could almost see the red and white uniforms - the horns, the tubas, the drums. At full blast, we'd know the parade was directly in front of us. And then, decreasing the volume, he'd describe it marching away.

I loved my Dad.

He died in a car accident when he was forty-nine years old. He was killed by a drunk driver.

Living in the Present

I can remember more than one occasion when my mind and my body were not in the same place at the same time. It seems I was always thinking about tomorrow or yesterday.

As a somewhat overburdened parent of four sons, I was supposed to be out for an evening of fun. Instead, my mind would be wondering if everything was okay at home. How were the boys doing with the sitter? What did I have to do when I got home to get ready for tomorrow's plans? I wonder if we're running out of toilet paper?

I carried my responsibility to the extreme. Most of this came from fear. I was afraid I wasn't doing it right. Who can have the lives of little people in their hands and not be concerned for the outcome? My self doubt was high. My self esteem was low.

Learning to live in the present has been such a blessing. Discovering that, if I take care of what's in front of me, the rest will fall into place has made all the difference. I also had to learn what's important and what's not. Food on the table is important. Whether all the clothes are matching is not.

Streamlining and simplifying my day became a key to relaxation. There are some things I have to do. There are some things I want to do. There are a whole lot of things that don' t matter.

Today I see beauty in the blue sky and the white snow. There were times in the past when I was too busy to even see it, much less, enjoy it.

Love

I don't know how to generate love. I mean, how do you do that? Isn't love something that just happens to you? And how do I love the unlovable? What if I am unlovable?

The journey I'm on has brought me to a place where I realize I must receive love before I can give love. And I'm talking about the unconditional love that's the real deal. The process I go through is to picture myself as an empty vessel. I ask my Higher Power to fill me with love. He does. I absorb it until I have no more stinkin' thinkin' thoughts that I'm unlovable. Then I can pass it along.

If no one has told you they love you today, let me be the first.

Angel Wings

My grandson, Kevin, (about 7 at the time), his Dad and I are gathered around the computer. I'm seated. They're standing. Kevin's head is about the level of my shoulder.

As I'm typing, and I am a fast typist, that package of fat, hanging from my upper arms, is jiggling in the process.

"Grandma, what's that?", Kevin asks.

"What's what, honey?" is my reply. I have no idea what he's talking about.

"What's that?"

I turn and lift my arm as I try to figure out what Kevin is pointing at. He's pointing to the flap of fat that's hanging from my upper arm.

I immediately look at Mike (Kevin's Dad). I can see that Mike is embarrassed at his son's innocent exposure of one of my defects."

"O My Gosh!", I say. "I must be getting my angel wings early!" Big smile.

Kevin smiles. Mike smiles. I smile.

Sometimes life is like that.

Change

"Nothing in life stands still." It's either getting better or it's getting worse.

In my seven decades of life, I've experienced change in myself and in the world around me. I learned a lesson from my Mom. She tried to stay the same in a changing world. As a result, she fell behind. She stopped growing.

Growth is a sign of life. Some of us reach adulthood and think we're "there". Growth/Change can be frightening. It's so easy to get comfortable where I am. It feels safe. Fear of failure can keep me from change. Surprisingly, fear of success can also keep me from change.

There's only one time change can take place - Now.

There's only one person who can be changed - Me.

I trust you will examine your dreams and go there. The results can be amazing.

A Beauty Secret

It's all in the eyes. Actually, behind the eyes.

It has to do with attitude and vision. When I see you as beautiful, I become beautiful to you.

It has to do with love and fear. If I look on you with love, you will see my innocence and beauty. If I look on you with fear, you will see my judgement, shame, and guilt.

It has to do with living in the present. If I dismiss your presence because my mind is elsewhere, I will not see you at all. And you will never be able to experience my real beauty.

Anger and Guilt

"All anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone feel guilty..."

The above is a quote from a book I love, A Course in Miracles. When I read it, I thought, "How the hell can that be? Surely I have the right to be angry about some things. How about war, or poverty, or domestic abuse?

I began to see that I am always trying to find someone to blame. I am looking for the person at fault. I'm looking for the opportunity to find someone who is more guilty than I am. If I feel guilty, I'm going to look for someone who is guiltier than me. Then I won't feel so bad.

I've been told I need to look for my innocence. I need to forgive myself for the things I think I've done. I need to find some value in my existence. When I can do that, I see you as innocent. When I realize it's not my fault, my paralysis ends. I can reach out and make a difference.

For me, it's the difference between love and fear.